Brain rut, writing, reading, ambiverts, and words.

It’s been ages since I have written anything worthwhile. For a month plus I have dealt with ‘brain rut’. It has been a task to put anything down. 

Was it laziness or fatigue? I don’t know but it felt as though my brain was somehow replaced with a large amount of play doh. My brain was squishy and mushy and I hate to say this… useless(?). Of course not entirely useless because I still could do basic tasks like waking up, brushing my teeth, having a bath but… high level reasoning is quite a task.

I asked some of my friends for advice to shake out of this situation and many of them said to take a break. But I was on a break. I basically spent the better part of March sleeping, eating, scrolling to the depth on Instagram Reels and YouTube Shorts.

Only that that was the problem. I had been sleeping, eating and doomscrolling for almost 30 days. Of course my brain was fried.

In the midst of this situation, I have been taking a writing course alongside my friend who desires to write better. Even though I am familiar with most of the lessons, it is refreshing to relearn and unlearn. We have been reading stories, writing, and gisting (okay so I have been writing just a lil bit). 

Last week, we read one of the most harrowing pieces I have ever come across. It details the adventures of seven or so American soldiers in the Vietnam war. It’s filled with so many details about guns, water canteens, boots, and many other things that are not remotely familiar. Because of this, it was difficult to get through it without falling asleep.

But we do have an assignment inspired by the story, and I am excited about it. We are to write about an item in our lives that holds the most emotional significance. Very deep. Sometimes I think writing is similar to a therapy session.

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Alongside writing, reading has also been a big task for me. But I have managed to read bits and pieces. My last read is Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus. It’s about Elizabeth, a woman and chemist living in 1950s America. It tells of her struggles in a male-dominated field. Themes include feminism, family, misogyny, cooking, grief, gender, etc.

Amongst these, Elizabeth doesn’t believe in God. 

I believe in God and this read helped elucidate what I think is the stark difference between atheists(maybe agnostics) and theists. It’s still an idea I’m mulling on so… I don’t think I want to share yet.

Lessons in Chemistry was adapted into a limited series and I didn’t enjoy it. I like when the movie adaptations to books stick to the original script. Apple TV didn’t stick to the script.

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I also mulled over the assumption that extroverts ‘rule the world’. Since they’re usually charismatic, outgoing, and most people naturally gravitate towards them. 

The thing is that extroverts are usually too much to handle at the end of the day.

The people who actually rule the world are the ambiverts. They are just the right balance between introverts and extroverts. The sweet spot. They can adjust their personality temperature to fit the vibes of any room. I also found out that about ⅔ humans are ambiverts. Hence, most humans are ambiverts. Hence, ambiverts are the average.

This epiphany graduated into me exploring the world of ‘averages’ and what it means for outliers. (also still heavily thinking about this).

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In the words of my primary 5 class teacher, words can make or mar you. Everyday, I am in awe of how powerful words are. How important they are in building the world around us. 

I believe the reason why confessions and manifestation work is because the universe has ears. It’s a spiritual principle. Whatever you let out comes around.

So these days, I have been extra careful about what I say. Even down to jokes and flippant comments. As you may know, my words were usually laced with self-deprecation. Even though they may come off as humorous, it doesn’t sit well with me anymore because I now realise that I’m unconsciously suppressing myself.

Coincidentally by God’s leading, my pastor started a series this week on the spiritual principles of words. I’m so grateful for such timely words.

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Current Reads

The Ivies by Alexa Donne - I’m in Chapter 3 and somebody has died already so I think it’s a great book. It’s quite gripping.

All About Love by Bell Hooks - Bell Hooks write about love and the absence of lovers (and yearners) in today’s world. I’m still on the first chapter but I love it.

Listening

Zach Webb - Many times as Christians it is easy to mask our ‘true selves’ in religiosity. We may be tempted to think that God is too good for us so we hide ourselves - creating a barrier. Zach Webb through his worship breaks through that barrier, singing to God about things that aren’t found in ‘typical’ worship songs

Obongjayar - alte music is my jam.

Laufey - Excuse me, I love love. And a lil heartbreak song here and there shouldn’t hurt, right?

I Said What I Said podcast - Jola and FK are flippping hilarious.

This past week, I went back in time to listen to 2014-2018 Selena Gomez and Charlie Puth. Nostalgia won. I’m also back to listening to One Direction after watching a cute interview with Zayn Malik.

I have been listening to a lot, so much that I am tempted to write a post dedicated to that.

Watching

I’m not much of a watcher but I think I want to start Shogun and The Gentlemen (the one with Theo James in it because *cough cough*)